“I am not a child anymore and so using things like guilt on me does not work the way that it used to mom” I say
“No but ignoring your family is not right either. I have not even met my son-in-law yet. I have been very forgiving of you Sarah. I was hoping that when I visited that we could rekindle our relationship but I am starting to wonder. I have been very forgiving and other family members have not been able to do that but I am your mother, and that is what I do.”
“I will have to talk to you later mom” I respond flippantly
“You are in the wrong, and you know it. I will be talking to you sometime in the future”
Are you kidding. Anger is gripping me like an anaconda wrapped around my heart.
“I have been very forgiving” keeps ringing in my head.
I have been very forgiving over the years. I have been forgiving.
I was forgiving when I had to eat canned black eyed peas for a week because you overspent on drugs.
I was forgiving when I couldn’t have friends over because you had bruises in visible place on your body.
I was forgiving when I went to school tired with my homework unfinished because Dean beat on you all night.
I was forgiving when you told me that you were leaving him and we would have a better life.
I was forgiving when you said that I could not see my father for a year and that once I could that only then it would be every other weekend.
I was forgiving for all of the nights that I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t change things.
I was forgiving when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t accepted at school.
I was forgiving when you lashed out at me because of things you couldn’t control as a single mother.
I was forgiving….for things that I didn’t cause or things that I couldn’t solve.
I loved you for being my mother whether that meant that life was happy or sad.
I hated you for controlling me. There are lashes that I made on your heart from words that slipped out of my mouth from somewhere deep in the subconscious. These lashes I could not take back but God healed them.
He forgave me, he forgave you.
But I apologized because that is all a human can do. They can remit, learn, and move forward.
Even through each life challenge that has no foreseen solution we have to put our feelings to the side to forgive and move forward.
So even when our emotions get the best of us the one whose do not get in the way are God’s emotions.
He is continuous and never changing.
Loving and forgiving us of our sins.
“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:9-18 ESV)
“But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” (Matt 5:39-42 ESV)
“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” (Luke 17:3 ESV)
Tonight i am burning the pages in my notebook.
I hold no grudges against you my beautiful mother. You are not perfect and neither am I.
God loves me and he loves you.
I will not hold anger against you as Satan would love to see a bitter root take hold.
Tomorrow I will wake up born anew.
Every day is a new day.
Thank you Father for always loving me as much during my worst days as you do my good days.
You are so forgiving.
“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:30-32 ESV)
“Father, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
Give us each day our daily bread,
and forgive us our sins,
for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And lead us not into temptation”
Luke 11:2 ESV