Forgiveness

“I am not a child anymore and so using things like guilt on me does not work the way that it used to mom” I say

“No but ignoring your family is not right either. I have not even met my son-in-law yet. I have been very forgiving of you Sarah. I was hoping that when I visited that we could rekindle our relationship but I am starting to wonder. I have been very forgiving and other family members have not been able to do that but I am your mother, and that is what I do.”

“I will have to talk to you later mom” I respond flippantly

“You are in the wrong, and you know it. I will be talking to you sometime in the future”

Are you kidding. Anger is gripping me like an anaconda wrapped around my heart.

“I have been very forgiving” keeps ringing in my head.

I have been very forgiving over the years. I have been forgiving.

I was forgiving when I had to eat canned black eyed peas for a week because you overspent on drugs.

I was forgiving when I couldn’t have friends over because you had bruises in visible place on your body.

I was forgiving when I went to school tired with my homework unfinished because Dean beat on you all night.

I was forgiving when you told me that you were leaving him and we would have a better life.

I was forgiving when you said that I could not see my father for a year and that once I could that only then it would be every other weekend.

I was forgiving for all of the nights that I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t change things.

I was forgiving when I didn’t understand why I wasn’t accepted at school.

I was forgiving when you lashed out at me because of things you couldn’t control as a single mother.

I was forgiving….for things that I didn’t cause or things that I couldn’t solve.

I loved you for being my mother whether that meant that life was happy or sad.

I hated you for controlling me. There are lashes that I made on your heart from words that slipped out of my mouth from somewhere deep in the subconscious. These lashes I could not take back but God healed them.

He forgave me, he forgave you.

But I apologized because that is all a human can do. They can remit, learn, and move forward.

Even through each life challenge that has no foreseen solution we have to put our feelings to the side to forgive and move forward.

So even when our emotions get the best of us the one whose do not get in the way are God’s emotions.

He is continuous and never changing.

Loving and forgiving us of our sins.

“Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.
Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly. Never be wise in your own sight. Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:9-18 ESV)

“But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.” (Matt 5:39-42 ESV)

“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.” (Luke 17:3 ESV)

Tonight i am burning the pages in my notebook.

I hold no grudges against you my beautiful mother. You are not perfect and neither am I.

God loves me and he loves you.

I will not hold anger against you as Satan would love to see a bitter root take hold.

Tomorrow I will wake up born anew.

Every day is a new day.

Thank you Father for always loving me as much during my worst days as you do my good days.

You are so forgiving.

“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:30-32 ESV)

“Father, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
Give us each day our daily bread,
and forgive us our sins,
for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us.
And lead us not into temptation”

AMEN

Luke 11:2 ESV

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Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened, and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and refresh your souls.] Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and blessed quiet) for your souls. [Jer. 6:16.] For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good–not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne. (‭Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28-30‬ AMP)

Broken glass under the Christmas Tree

Under the Christmas tree lays a shattered crown royal glass.
9 days it has lay there among the shards of my heart.
How do you break a woman down
By telling her how much she is worth
Without the words
I thought I was worth more than this
Everyone holds the short end of the stick at some point
But I won’t let go
I’d rather have the short end than to have no end at all

Landslide

I will never understand what this song meant to her.
But I will know to a fraction of a percent of how much she loved me.
She used to sing this song to me as a foxy thirty some year old woman who had no idea of how her life would pan out, but what she has no idea of was that the man who from the song was supposed to see her reflection in the snow covered hills was not Andrew Funk but her own daughter. And yes the landslide will bring her down.

demons

I’m laying across our bed shaking violently with drops of rage rolling down my face.  ‘How did we get here’ are the words that I have been repeating out loud since 3 am.  With my eyes glued to the ceiling i replay the dream I just awoke from. I am crying looking at a shattered crown royal glass strewn underneath the Christmas tree. I walk into the kitchen and look around. I open the door to the garage to see him balled up in our comforter from the bedroom. I pull back the blanket to see a sickly face consisting of half blue moons sitting underneath two sunken eyelids. My lungs expand for air as cells in in my body try to comprehend how this has happened. “Jeremy please come inside” I beg him but he only jerks the cover down hard over his face. “You will get pneumonia sleeping on this cold concrete floor that Cassie used to sleep on. I did not say that you have to sleep out here in the garage, so if you stay out here that is your choice.” I slam the door and cry until I can not cry anymore. ‘In the name of Jesus I rebuke you satan, in the name of Jesus I declare you to leave’ I scream at the top of my lungs. Standing over rhe kitchen sink I stare past the window into the back yard and suddenly an enormous  cyclonic cloud appears casting a dark shadow onto the yard. This cloud grows bigger and darker by the second and paralyzed with fear the only words that can escape my lips were ‘In the name of Jesus, Jesus,…..Jesus’. From this large cloud a large dragon slithered down from the sky towards the windown I am looking through. I scream with fear as snatch the back door open to shake Jeremy awake. I am screaming he has to come inside as he is pushing me away. “There is a dragon outside” I scream as he jumps up with a look on his bruised face to be described as amusement. The garage door being to push open and we both run into the kitchen and slam the door. I crawl towards the sink and pull myself up just enough to see out of the window. The supernatural dragon is circling the backyard for the house furiously as if sniffing out a blood trail. I am calling out to Jesus to rebuke these demon forces and as the whole house begins to shake suddenly I wake up. It was a dream. Demons be gone. This house is mine, and to be used the glory of God.

“Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.” (‭Matthew‬ ‭7‬:‭24-27‬ ESV)

Almighty

Lord there is pain in my heart, pain in my heart
Minute Second Hour Second Hour Minute
How is that
Rays of the sun radiate down
the torrent always follows
Lightening and hail
Broken heart try to fix my broken heart
looking in all the wrong places
Compassion
frustration
Help someone if you can
try all your might
what if you fail
Doubt
silly girl you can’t help yourself
fix yourself
no
Grace fixaflat
You said
if I am empty in one area
Believe on You
and in the mean time Give give give
Give from what?
Pour out to others
how
Fill fill fill
Feel it filling up inside me
Pours out pours out some more
Holy Spirit rain reign down on me
this moment has been a dream
Finally i can feel
Yes
Here it comes rolling in
swoosh swhish whoom bhamm
Immerse under up under
Watch wave ripple smooth ripple
Sparks will fly
Lightning flash across the skyline
drop drop drip drap crap hail
oh it comes too
pinch pank ache angst
Pain
My heart
Your Heart
Your word says that you are who you say you are
You can do what you say you can do
I am who you say I am
I can do all through Christ
Declares your word
I will believe on
Yes shield of salvation i will wear
Trumpets will sound
wait Waiting I wait for You
King is coming
Yes Lord
Lord almighty
Praise you Jesus
God my Father
in heaven above
I yearn for
Immerse
Waterfall
Overfill
Pour out
overwhelm my heart
Love
Raining down
on me
and us
harvest